We're Still Here And We're Here For You

[Kaito Akimoto]

I've been gone. And rather than explain, just know I'm still here. But, looking at the reason I was gone and talking to a specific person on here while I was still invisible has made me decide to do something.

I know I'm not the only person in the world dealing with depression. For those of you who didn't know, yes. I was diagnosed as a depressed child at age 7. To put in perspective, August will mark my 18th birthday. I made the mistake of stopping my visits to the therapists and taking my anti-depressants. The latter, I'm starting back up. As for why this post is being made and to explain the title:

One of the greatest agents of assistance to the healing process I've found, and I know hearing this will seem odd at first but trust me, talking to people you interact with on a semi-regular to regular basis DOES help. It may not feel like it at first, but it does. I'm making this thread in the hopes that people who suffer from depression can use it to say that "We're still here and we are fighting this." and for others to say "We're here for you and we'll support you." I'm not saying to make that the only posts in this thread. What I'm saying is this.

Having a bad day? Something happen that's made it worse? You don't have to use specifics of names and places, but talk to me and others about it. I'll be checking this thread as often as I can. I will try to help you, and I know there are others here who will.

If the admins disagree with this thread being around, I understand.

[Keto]

Even if admins would disagree to have this thread I still want to share my experiences and things that are still happening to me and probably will happen.

At age 5-7 I was like any average child; playing around with toys and watching cartoons. Nothing that other children at that age weren't doing. At that time I was quite happy; hadn't had any friends to play with, but had my parents who liked to play and I felt good not caring of other kids.
Of course, whenever you have a sunny day you might encounter a dark cloud.
You see, my parents were always teaching me to act religious; I liked going to church, pray and tried never to say or do anything against God. That's why I wasn't like others who liked to act as THEIR parents; immitating them smoking cigarettes, drinking beer and swearing at God (and they were just 6-7). Because I was not like them they were always finding a way to bully me and call me names and you know that when you're kid that gives you awful pain and leaves a mark for the future (and it did leave a mark). That's why I was afraid of going to school. 
That is when I slightly got into depression; not much, but depression sure was there.
That's from 1st grade of elementary to 4th grade of elementary.

From 5th grade of elementary to 7th grade of elementary. I went to other school.
It got much much worse. Because of my relative acting like total idiot when he was in elementary and high school he was remembered. Those bullies were not going to stop at making fun of him, so their dear brothers and sisters who were still in elementary started bullying me.
How was it worse, you ask. Because there were dozens of kids who were ready to hop in and bully me without even knowing anything about me. 
Plus, I had to drop things I loved, so I could study because my mother put extreme expectations for me in the meaning of studying. Honestly, only subject I loved was English because I felt free with it and I was best in school despite I was lowest grade in that school.
I never understood why I was hated and got so depressed that I was spending my free time imagining scenes of those people's deaths or if possible my own death. 
What did I ever do to anyone? Nothing; just a normal kid minding his own business.
That's when huge depression kicked in and I used to cry on holidays knowing that I would later have to go to school and that even without school I would be bullied if I was seen. That's why I was avoiding going to the near city.

8th grade: same school
That's when those who were bullying me went to high school since they were older than me.
Those who were at same or lower grade only bullied me if they were faster or bigger than me since there was no one of their big brothers and sisters to protect them. That's when my depression got lower since I started to use physical force on them without warning. Just pass by bully normally and then knee-kick in the back or stomach (one of my regular moves)
Still, my depression was too high since I knew ONE fact: "I HAD NO FRIENDS AT ALL".

I had no friends. Who would stay by my side and comfort me and make jokes with me? No one. Why? I never liked football (like everyone else), I never liked basketball (like almost everyone), I never wanted to play online shooter games (like everyone else), I never wanted to abuse girls in terms of sexuality (like everyone else). Because of these stupid things, I was not material for a friend or a colleague. My depression; I don't need to tell.

High School: School almost a mile above the previous school. 
This high school was almost an educational signature of my country. I imagined it like this: almost a thousand of people intellectually higher than others I've met.
I was disappointed. Some of the people who were bullies in elementary now were here and surprise surprise the process of bullying continued. Well, for the first grade of high school I was bullied, but then it stopped. Some people changed in the process or were expelled or changed school. But, my main professor (I don't know how you people say it in English) decided it would be good to bring one of my worst mental-bullies into my class. And from that moment to now he is in my class; mentally abusing me. 

Let me tell you something about arguing in Elementary and High School. It's not arguing about anything normal; problems, life or anything similar. It  is a bunch of people calling one another names. I was never good in it. Truth to be told, I was terrible. So, I was a target all the time and still am. 
People who are serious here still find me as a good target for their personal relief since I don't argue or attack anyone. Those who call me 'their friend' are my friends when they need homework or when they need something in general. And those who don't bully me and also call me 'their friend' are just called 'friends' because I sit near them, but they don't care about me until homework or something similar is in the picture.

My latest intention of dealing with them on mental level is to completely lose care. 
You know, I talk a lot. That's what makes it easier for me to deal with demons from the past.
My worst weakness wherever I go. So, I decided not to fight bullies anymore; just to stop caring. Whenever they would do 'are you gay' or any similar treatment I wouldn't argue and just coldly respond with 'yes' or 'logical'. 
That was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. I used to keep my mouth shut, keep on drawing stuff in my sketchbook, but it made it worse. My rage accumulated; I became pissed off because every sound around me. That's why I took headphones and turned on Eminem. 
Still, rage was growing bigger and bigger until it got so huge that I almost beat up one guy for just laughing near me (not to me). 

Still, I want to continue that way with accumulating rage. Since no one cares about me I should stop caring and kill my emotions towards anyone. I hope I soon finish this school and never see those people again. 

Consequences I developed over the years
If you know about Seven Deadly Sins from Bible. My sins are pride, wrath and envy.
My most expressed one is wrath; I get crazy for nothing. I have almost reasonless rage and hate towards every human being without them making it so.
Pride: I consider myself higher than anyone else in mental meaning. Whenever someone is not acting humble I consider him a lower being making me feel like that about every living being.
Envy: I hate when people get something; not because I don't have it, but because I feel they didn't deserve it and that they don't deserve happiness.
Maybe I didn't show how much I was depressed with this post.
Well, I often think about death (mine and others'), about leaving school and life.
If I don't have to study I spend all my time here at BWC and playing online games almost doing nothing except work around and in the house. I am afraid of every tomorrow and almost every thought of life brings tears to my eyes. 
I also have Atychiphobia. That's why I always ask Noland and others in details before doing anything and feel awful when do mistakes; not showing it...

I especially feel depressed because I live in Bosnia and Herzegovina. It's a country of massive corruption, drawbacks, crisis, stupidity and economical failures. It provides no future for people living here; only if you leave it. My mother is against my will of leaving this place because she is concerned about my safety, but I have no future here and that brings heaviest emotions to me. 
Another thing about this place; people hate intelligence, innovations and everything else they cannot understand. That is why I cannot confess anyone I am here; on BWC. If someone knew about it I would be an object of bullying from everyone alive.
Imagine what would happen if I told them I was playing Digimon Masters; even worse.
That is why I keep my mouth shut about it. All things I like I keep for myself since there is that one person that will find the way to ruin it and bring others to ruin it even worse.

If you look at my activity you can notice facts about all my accounts.
Before name 'Darkness General' I had name 'aegis' and 'Alexander'. 
Why did I change it into Darkness General? Simple. 
Whenever I had a different flow of emotions I would do different activities with my accounts or cards or Bakugans.
Darkness General: My character in RPs who wears darkness and shadows as his armor and his face cannot be seen. He hides negative emotions.
Daniel Andersen: He is Darkness General, but doesn't hide his negative emotions anymore, but turns them into evil and slays. Also, a character in my RPs.
Jason Sylvester: Another character from my RPs. He is a positive and good characters. He is presumed killed by Daniel Andersen in a long-lasting battle between good and evil.
There is a story behind each of my accounts, but I won't reveal every single story.
I picked to be an antagonist in Insidious and especially Daniel because I was in that emotional stage at the time.

You see, all these things I said were just tiny little pieces of my depression. Only things keeping me from going completely crazy are this RPs and games which just mask the problem, but at least I feel safe then. Whenever I'm not at my house I feel extremely depressed and only want to go back and sleep, or play games, or watch Pewdiepie or KSI on youtube or make youtube videos. My characters here are resemblance of my depression now.
I am hiding it well, but I am not able to do it all the time.

I am torn apart by parents' expectations, my depression, things I like to do, things I have to do, school and similar. You may say 'DG, that's a common problem for anyone' or 'anyone has those problems'. No, not everyone has these problems.
Let me ask you something. All of you. 
How would you feel when you would be treated for 10 years like a junk. Like trash, like an underling, animal or something similar. For 10 years not having ANY friend. Not even a single friend except God. Everyone hates you all the time and wants to bully you AND ALL THAT FROM NO DAMN REASON. When your only friends are your drawings in sketchbooks, playstation and computer games and yourself. And no one, not even parents understand it except yourself. Their only answers is that you are 'going crazy' or something similar.
YES, I am going crazy because no one listens, cares or anything. They pretend to care and listen, but they actually think about breaking fruit ninja record while 'listening' to you.
And then someone asks why I am depressed all the time, why I have stress. Well, I just gave out a damn reason WHY. This is the reason WHY. Try to explain it to others and they will just IGNORE. That is why I don't waste my throat on those people and keep my mouth shut.

So, whoever thinks this is 'common' problem don't even bother replying to this. It's not a common problem. This is happening for 10-12 years and I cannot take it anymore. 
Some people might think I am a sissy because I said all this without using inappropriate words to 'spice up the atmosphere', but my religion is the reason why.

Games, roleplaying, drawing and religion; only things keeping me alive.
I thank you if you found time to read this post or at least tried to understand something.
I have much more to say, but making this long post was ridiculous enough to make it hundreds of times larger with all my experiences. 

I want to say thanks to all you guys. You actually bothered to be friendly to me.
And not because you wanted something from me.
Maybe it sounds weird, but this site and people here helped me through the worst stage of depression. Thank you guys.

[Carson Michaels]

Note: This thread will not be taken down.

[Kaito Akimoto]

My apologies, DG. Your experiences share details with my own and those of a late friend. I think I speak for everyone when I say you're welcome for helping you. Even if some or all of us didn't know it at the time. When it comes to this, sometimes that's the best help you can receive.

As for your note Carson, I understand your reasoning.

My experiences are numerous as well and would be too long for one post, so every couple posts or so I will share one.

Carson knows some of the story behind this one and has given me his advice before, but it's still one that needs to be shared because it is significant. 3 years ago on April 13th, I began my relationship with someone who did what none had really done before, and that was made me genuinely and truly happy. Fast forward two years, that's quite a while for a relationship to last at this age, and the night of April 12th...the break-up. I was over at friends house which made it worse since I had to bottle up all of the heartbreak and sadness. Get home, don't take anti-depressant that day because I ran out, bottled feelings are let lose and you have the perfect mixture for a massive downward spiral. I'm just now really starting to recover from that and have pretty much sworn off of love for another year, year and a half. During the time between now and then, I found out who my true friends were. I've never had many friends, so finding out that of the people I saw on daily basis because of school only one of them was truly my friend wasn't a huge blow. It was actually kind of comfort. I tend to care more about my friends than I do myself or my family. This friend has become more and more like a brother and has, on many occasions, broken down my bedroom door because I hadn't said anything or shown up to school for a few days. If he hadn't been there, I wouldn't have been able to come back to this site. I would be 6 feet under.

I too thank all of you here that have been or tried to be friendly to me. And there are 4 to be named specifically though two of them probably won't see this as they haven't been around in quite some time. They are:
Silan Jester
Carson Michaels
Damian Kirifuda/Noland Hardy/Skull Shinigami/etc.
Hiroma Messa

Thank you. All of you, for being there to help me without asking for anything in return.